Cigarettes – 1 – for now! Will go and finish the quote after posting this! Mind – Absolutely fucked again, obviously, hence writing, but fine! Whatever! Song – So What – P!nk!
Soo… I have been thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck do I go on actively looking for more #MindFuck? Like I don’t have it already. I mean c’mon! Mid life crises in the very 25th year of my life, remember? Also, finally my dream projects are shaping up and newer opportunities are knocking up my door. But no! It’s like, each time life presents its myriad colored menu to me, I am like “oh no! I am in no mood of experimenting! I would take some of my usual #MindFuck please!” Jesus Christ! Do faggots like me ever really learn?
So, here’s the deal! There is this guy…obviously! Isn’t that what my deals are all about? And he has recently broken up! No actually, he recently gotten into a relationship, and then veryyyy recently broke up! Like hello! Who does that, right?
But yeah! If I allow myself to be honest here, there is a sadistic bitchy part of me which is quite happy at knowing the fact that he is single again.
But then, someone please come and explain to my fucked up hopelessly romantic mind that single doesn’t mean available! No big deal, the mind says! Available is just a hop, skip and jump away from being single! What the fuck? Sometimes, the person might not want to hop, skip and jump, right?
So the deal is, I am a fucked up whore! I just can’t stop dreaming! About him hopping and skipping and jumping right at my doorstep! Well, at least he has got long legs, he can achieve that feat. But what if he doesn’t want to?
When the fuck will I learn, really?
And the point is, even if I have learnt, this feels different (obviously, faggoty whore that I am!) I mean, this isn’t like that hot selfie guy that I previously blogged about! He is sweet, and cute, and hugs really well. And looks dorky, and geeky but very adorable at the same time. I mean WHAT THE FUCK! See! You see! This is happening again. This is how it starts.
Well, I solemnly swear not to think about him again. And then I think about not thinking about him. And then I begin to think about what I must not think about. And by the time I am thinking way too much about what I most definitely not think about, my body tenses, my heart starts beating faster and I end up realizing that I have been thinking about him all this freaking while!
And well, then further #MindFuck happens! I message him. And we talk. And post his break-up, I am the friend he won’t give lap dance to, because he wants me forever in his life. What the fuck? He can still give me a lap dance and remain my friend, right? And of course, being friends with benefits is just a stone’s throw away from being forever together and truly, madly, deeply in love! What the fuck?
And why the fuck have I been using all this travel writing clichés in my utterly disgustipated (disgusted + constipated) display of the #MindFuck that I have called upon myself, all for a boy! A boy?!
Yeah well, just a boy!
But…he is not just a boy you know! The way he smiles…so sincere! The way he hugs and just keeps on hugging…so selfless. And that moment, when he hugged me and said “there is hardly anyone who understands me. I want you to be my friend forever…” and I looked into his dreamy eyes, naked and vulnerable right in front of me, and his lips, adorning a soft shade of pink were only an inch away, and I felt his breath on my nose and… I mean……WHAT THE FUCK! You see! This is happening yet again! Arghhhh!!!
Kill me and get it over with! Or rather fuck me and get it over with! No wait! Fuck me first, then kill me, and then fuck my dead body and then perhaps get it over with! What the fuck am I writing?
Finally! I have to get a grip now! C’mon self control! Control the fuck out of me right freaking now!
So…the point is, I know I am headed towards a crash and burn. We knew each other before he entered into a relationship – one that he exited from only in a few days… Anyway, the point is, he could have waited for me…he could have given it a shot with me! But no, he went ahead to explore the depths of some different waters. And now, he is back somewhere in the periphery. I don’t know if he would want to test the depths of these waters – my waters – umm, whatever!
The point is…there is a part in me, a very skeptic little scared part that knows he won’t fall for me. That guys like him seldom does fall for me. And all these thoughts might just be out of years of self-hatred and self-condemning, but then I feel it…the feelings are etched in my heart. And hence, I can’t help but fall for him more!
The pleasures of wanting the unattainable. I mean c’mon! Carrie once fancied Big because he was unattainable. Look at what happened there! Big came chasing right after Carrie, all the way to Paris. And yes, I know that was just the reel-life…that such a thing seldom happens in real life. But I am not freaking asking him to chase me down all the way to Paris. I just want him to, in classic Meredith style,) *pick me, love me, choose me*
But no! That won’t be fair on my part. Just because I feel for him, doesn’t mean I can make him go through this #MindFuck! He is already in tears, for reasons more than the breakup. The reasons I know, because apparently, I am the friend he wants for life. And at this point, I cannot muster enough courage to ask him of this huge favor to *pick me, love me, choose me*
That’d be mean! Enough #MindFuck! The verdict is out! As friends, lovers, strangers or whatever…because I feel for him, I would want him to be happy. I won’t take away a friend from him, simply because I want to give him a lover. We accept the love we think we deserve! He may think my love is too less, or too much…I would wait for the day when he realizes that my love is just enough. And if such a day never comes, I would at least have a friend. The one who smiles with sincerity, hugs selfishly, and wants me to be in his life, forever. Isn’t that pretty smashing too?
I know I am being #Friendzoned right now! And I know I want to think of myself as my favorite heroines, and hence I am making a great deal out of it. But the point is…I don’t want to want him just because he is unattainable. He is not a challenge that I must conquer. He is definitely not a conquest. He is a fragile human. Just as fragile as me. And I want to nurture him, if at all I can…
So, I would go through the #MindFuck alone! I would give it time, and would give myself time! If in the end, we find each other, it is perfect! If not, it can’t be helped!
Gestalt prayer helps! It freaking helps… always!
Hey…before giving up on me and going to sleep or whatever…do hope it works out well this time. Like whatever, I kind of really like him you know. I would want us both to give it an actual shot for once. If not, then a hot, kinky, rich, tall, handsome, dominant, maverick, tycoon should fucking propose me right freaking now!
Oh Dear God! What the fuck is wrong with me?!