#MindFuck #Boy #GayDating #SuperMindFuck #Bleh!

Cigarettes – 1 – for now! Will go and finish the quota after posting this! Mind – Absolutely fucked again, obviously, hence writing, but fine! Whatever! Song – So What – P!nk!

Soo… I have been thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck do I go on actively looking for more #MindFuck? Like I don’t have it already. I mean c’mon! Mid life crises in the very 25th year of my life, remember? Also, finally my dream projects are shaping up and newer opportunities are knocking up my door. But no! It’s like, each time life presents its myriad colored menu to me, I am like “oh no! I am in no mood of experimenting! I would take some of my usual #MindFuck please!” Jesus Christ! Do faggots like me ever really learn?
So, here’s the deal! There is this guy…obviously! Isn’t that what my deals are all about? And he has recently broken up! Err… No! Actually, he had recently gotten into a relationship, and then veryyyy recently broke up! Like hello! Who does that, right?

But yeah! If I allow myself to be honest here, there is a sadistic bitchy part of me which is quite happy at knowing the fact that he is single again.

But then, someone please come and explain to my fucked up hopelessly romantic mind that single doesn’t mean available! “No big deal,” the mind says! Available is just a hop, skip and jump away from being single! What the fuck? Sometimes, the person might not want to hop, skip and jump, right?

So the deal is, I am a fucked up whore! I just can’t stop dreaming! About him hopping and skipping and jumping right at my doorstep! Well, at least he has got long legs, he can achieve that feat. But what if he doesn’t want to?
When the fuck will I learn, really?

And the point is, even if I have learnt, this feels different (obviously, faggoty whore that I am!) I mean, this isn’t like that hot selfie guy that I previously blogged about! This one is sweet, and cute, and hugs really well. And looks dorky, and geeky but very adorable at the same time. I mean WHAT THE FUCK! See! You see! This is happening again. This is how it starts.

Well, I solemnly swear not to think about him again. And then I think about not thinking about him. And then I begin to think about what I must not think about. And by the time I am thinking way too much about what I most definitely not think about, my body tenses, my heartbeats start racing and I end up realizing that I have been thinking about him all this freaking while!
And well, then further #MindFuck happens! I message him. And we talk. And post his break-up, I am the friend he won’t give lap dance to, because he wants me forever in his life. What the fuck? He can still give me a lap dance and remain my friend, right? And of course, being friends with benefits is just a stone’s throw away from being forever together and truly, madly, deeply in love! What the fuck?
And why the fuck have I been using all this travel writing clichés in my utterly disgustipated (disgusted + constipated) display of the #MindFuck that I have called upon myself, all for a boy! A boy?!

Yeah well, just a boy!

But…he is not just a boy you know! The way he smiles…so sincere! The way he hugs and just keeps on hugging…so selfless. And that moment, when he hugged me and said “there is hardly anyone who understands me. I want you to be my friend forever…” and I looked into his dreamy eyes, naked and vulnerable right in front of me, and his lips, adorning a soft shade of pink were only an inch away, and I felt his breath on my nose and… I mean……WHAT THE FUCK! You see! This is happening yet again! Arghhhh!!!
Kill me and get it over with! Or rather fuck me and get it over with! No wait! Fuck me first, then kill me, and then fuck my dead body and then perhaps get it over with! What the fuck am I writing?

AHHEMMM!

Finally! I have to get a grip now! C’mon self control! Control the fuck out of me right freaking now!

So…the point is, I know I am headed towards a crash and burn. We knew each other before he entered into a relationship – one that he exited from only in a few days… Anyway, the point is, he could have waited for me…he could have given it a shot with me! But no, he went ahead to explore the depths of some different waters. And now, he is back somewhere in the periphery. I don’t know if he would want to test the depths of these waters – my waters – umm, whatever!

The point is…there is a part in me, a very skeptic little scared part that knows he won’t fall for me. That guys like him seldom do fall for guys like me. And all these thoughts might just be out of years of self-hatred and self-condemning, but then I feel it…the feelings are etched in my heart. And hence, I can’t help but fall for him more!

The pleasures of wanting the unattainable. I mean c’mon! Carrie once fancied Big because he was unattainable. Look at what happened there! Big came chasing right after Carrie, all the way to Paris. And yes, I know that was just the reel-life…that such a thing seldom happens in real life. But I am not freaking asking him to chase me down all the way to Paris. I just want him to, in classic Meredith style,) *pick me, love me, choose me*

Meredith pick me choose me love me
But no! That won’t be fair on my part. Just because I feel for him, doesn’t mean I can make him go through this #MindFuck! He is already in tears, for reasons more than just the breakup. The reasons I know, because apparently, I am the friend he wants for life. And at this point, I cannot muster enough courage to ask him of this huge favor to *pick me, love me, choose me*

That’d be mean!

Enough #MindFuck! The verdict is out! As friends, lovers, strangers or whatever…because I feel for him, I would want him to be happy. I won’t take away a friend from him, simply because I want to give him a lover. We accept the love we think we deserve! He may think my love is too less, or too much…I would wait for the day when he realizes that my love is just enough. And if such a day never comes, I would at least have a friend. The one who smiles with sincerity, hugs selflessly, and wants me to be in his life, forever. Isn’t that pretty smashing too?

I know I am being #Friendzoned right now! And I know I want to think of myself as my favorite heroines, and hence I am making a great deal out of it. But the point is…I don’t want to want him just because he is unattainable. He is not a challenge that I must conquer. He is definitely not a conquest. He is a fragile human. Just as fragile as me. And I want to nurture him, if at all I can…

So, I would go through the #MindFuck alone! I would give it time, and would give myself time! If in the end, we find each other, it is perfect! If not, it can’t be helped!
Gestalt prayer helps! It freaking helps… always!

Gestalt prayer justmeanuj
Gestalt Prayer

 

Hey…before giving up on me and going to sleep or whatever…do hope it works out well this time. Like whatever, I kind of like him, you know? I would want us both to give it an actual shot for once. If not, then a hot, kinky, rich, tall, handsome, dominant, maverick, tycoon should fucking propose me right freaking now!

Oh Dear God! What the fuck is wrong with me?!

Gay Dating and My Absolutely Foolish Mind Fuck

Cigarettes – 6! In a row! (FML!) Mind – Absolutely fucked, obviously! Current Song – lip syncing to Cry – Kelly Clarkson! Enough! Let’s start now, I want to vent!

This is one of those rants that apparently have no rhyme or reason – except this one does!

So, I am pissed! Why? I don’t know, but let’s see. There is this guy who is all about intellectualism and all that jazz. He is hot with his unkempt long beard *drools!* He gets me. And I feel a range of exotic sensations in my body each time he takes my name. And did I mention, he likes to take my name a lot…no no, A LOT while talking. So, you can imagine the mind fuck I have while talking to him.

And no, the story doesn’t end there. Obviously, he is all endearing and enchanting with the way he makes puppy eyes in those Instagram Selfies! Obviously if I were a self-respecting person, I wouldn’t spend that much time checking out his multiple seflies. I would simply take my notebook and pen, and would indulge in some undisturbed Carrie Diaries time. But NO! I have to just go online on Instagram and check out his latest selfie, which technically is not much different from the last selfie he posted, or the one before that.

Intellectualism and a blatant selfie posting spree doesn’t go hand in hand, right? Aren’t intellectuals and philosophers supposed to be rather aloof, reclusive perhaps, and just stay the fuck off sites like Instagram and whatnot? But no! He has to be there and post those insanely hot (perhaps repetitive for the ones who are not crushing on him) selfies, and go on fucking with my routine, and self esteem and the usual masturbation cycle!

Fuck my life!

And well, no, the mind fuck doesn’t end there. So this Monday, I decided to explore further deeper levels of falling in my own eyes. We were randomly talking…yeah, like on phone and all that, and I ASKED HIM OUT!!! Can you effin’ believe it? I – Me – the great blogger and the next big thing in the world of Gay Writers actually went ahead and asked a guy out. Obviously, for someone who is aware of his falling self esteem, I don’t really have a modest opinion of myself. Anyway, that’s not the deal! The thing is, HE ALSO SAID YES! For meeting “casually” and exploring the waters! Obviously, I got no sleep that Monday and hence was late for work. Now, my boss is an incredibly successful (and hot) lad, but he doesn’t suffer at the hands of foolish employees who are 40 minutes late to work!

Like falling down in my own eyes wasn’t enough, I had to fucking screw up with my work life as well. And that’s just the top layer of it. Trust me! The next day I am having another random conversation with this one heck of a guy. And obviously he is driving me crazy with the way he speaks my name. Obviously I want him to be my Christian Grey and take me to his red room of pain, because I already I did surrender to him. And so I shift the conversation to finalizing the plans. It was unnerving to see how he switched from being mushy to being cold and aloof in an instant.

“Listen Anuj (fuck!!!) don’t carry any hopes or ideas in your head. You are very adorable and funny, but expectations always breed disappointments.”

Err…ouch! Heart = Broken!

The fucker just went back on his word in just a day. And has such a polite and gentleman-like way of putting it across. Although I did recover from my heart crushing down into a thousand pieces of gloom quite quickly, I still couldn’t hide the disappointment in my face.

“Don’t get me wrong Anuj (there he goes, yet again!) You are a very funny and interesting person, and I would love it if something works out between us. But still, don’t carry any ideas in your mind.”

Like seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? I get all that shizz! You might be cute and hot and intense and what-the-fuck-ever, but I am not that dumb! I know it doesn’t serve to dwell on dreams and forget reality. Okay whatever, Dumbledore told me that! Big deal? I also know well enough to not build castles in the sky! But dafuq! I cannot just stop dreaming. Or imagining scenarios. Those are my business to deal with. And I can deal with. But what a fucking mundane and ordinary life it would be, if I wouldn’t dream. You can be god’s gift or gaykind and womankind, but that’s no excuse for you to come into my life and tell me I shouldn’t dream much! Or have hopes and ideas and whatever!

Obviously I didn’t go all narcotic monologue-ish on him. I save my innermost thoughts to later put on my blog, which apparently I am not too sure if anyone reads. That’s not the point here. Although, I did tell him that I have lived through life enough to not be that impulsive and kiddish (obviously I was trying to hold back that tear…aww! What am I? Fifteen?) and conveyed how I was just thinking about giving friendship a shot.

Seriously! Friendship! I used that age old clichéd euphemism. Oh let’s just be friends. Did I not learn anything from When Harry met Sally! That sort of a thing never really happens. Two guys cannot be friends until both of them are bottoms – or strictly tops. And that’s not even the real case scenario. That’s just our deep rooted patriarchy, getting us to conform to one role. Again, that’s not the point here!

The point is, HE WAS FINE WITH GIVING FRIENDSHIP A SHOT! We decided to meet in CP over the weekend. CP in Delhi, India is like your Trafalgar Square in London, or the Times Square in NYC! Maybe it’s not, that doesn’t matter now, does it? The point us, weekend comprise of two days – Saturday and Sunday! And if on a Sunday night I am writing this rant, that obviously means he didn’t turn up! As in, after that conversation, he just went haywire. My only encounters with him happened over his Instagram profile. And that is all!

Knowing fully well that my self-respect would now be battered beyond repairing, I didn’t ping him first. Hey, that’s the Carrie Bradshaw complex – I decided I wouldn’t be the first one to call, and if he never called again, I would think of him fondly…as an asshole!

So here I am, lip syncing to Cry by Kelly Clarkson, just because I am having one of those Bridget Jones’ mood swings! He was gone totally silent on me, and I don’t wish to contact him again. If someone is really interested in me, he would reciprocate right? If I am chasing after him, I am just becoming Julia Roberts of My Best Friend’s Wedding…and we all know what happened to her. I learn about life from rom-coms, so I am not going to repeat the mistakes my favorite heroine did.

But it’s all over now! He didn’t call. At 25, alongside dealing with mid-life crisis, I am also dealing with the teenage troubles of a crush that totally crashed! And I am pissed! I am fucking pissed! He used to say everything right. He was just perfect with the way he would answer my call with a goofy hello, patiently listen, and share his favorite songs and hopes and dreams with me. He even read this random blog of mine, and we discussed philosophies. We could talk about Dalai Lama for heaven’s sake! And yet, one fine day, he just disappeared.

I can call him an asshole now, drown myself in the smoke of the cigarettes and go on listening to the painfully melodious voice of Kelly Clarkson, song after another. But what’s the point. He chose to not give us a song. And I feel a tinge of disappointment, and yes, despite my strong effort to see the best in the situation, I still do see it as a stab on my self-esteem.

When would I fucking detach? When would I have a person interested in me enough to turn up on a date – or to at least inform me that we won’t be able to make it? Why don’t I get to have a normal life? If not the red room of pain, at least some hearts and flowers? If not even that, at least someone to go out for a movie, have a nice company over drinks and grills. Despite my whacky love life, I am a smart, successful, talented and sort of good looking person. What am I missing? What is it that I am doing wrong?

Okay whatever! I know there are no answers to that. I would change the song…perhaps to Bella’s lullaby! You know what, I know all these rom-coms are stupid, and mawkish, and it doesn’t really happen that ways in the reality. But living a life that I have lived for so long, I would still let myself indulge in the fuzzy feeling of rom-coms. At least in fiction, at least in someone’s imagination, at least in some virtual far off world love still find a way to exist! And I would never cut my chords from that world! I just won’t do it! If it comes at a price…well, I am already paying that price! So let it be!

At the end of a hard day, it is good to know that I remained strong. That I could utilize my skill of writing, channelize the hurt into a blog post and put it out there. Hence now, I get to sleep! Enough said! Tomorrow is a new day…I would make new mistakes to learn from! Good night dear reader…perhaps you just wanted a good shag but somewhere down the line read my blog post! Do drop in a comment – and don’t be mean please – so that I would know I didn’t exactly drop this entry into a void. That some distant remote stranger stood witness to my absolutely foolish mind fuck!

PANKH HOTE TOH UD JATI! ( IF I HAD WINGS, I WOULD FLY!)

justmeanuj:

From a young budding feminist friend of mine, with love! #Poem #hindi #English

Originally posted on whackyweird:

(I can’t write in Hindi but I tried to do something with it.)

Haath mein ek kalaam,
Ek sunhera sapna,
Ek soch,
Ek awaaz,
Ek ehsaas,
Haan kehne ko toh kuch zyada nahi hai mere paas
Lekin bund-bund se kya pata kab
Sagar bana lungi.
Ab aap sochengey yeh sarphiri
Sapne bun-bun bhala kya pati,
Haan kuch aur na toh na sahi
Par tum sab se dur chali jati,
Haan pankh hote toh ud jati.

Ab kisse kya pata
Langda kab chalna seekh le aur
Awaara musafir kab yunhi bhatakte-bhatakte
Apna ghar bana le.
Ab zameen se itna lagav toh hai nahi
Ki aasman ka chehra suna pad jaaye,
Joh peeche choot jaayega usse khone ka itna dar bhi nhi
Jitna jo aagey aane waala hai
Uska intezaar hai.
Haan agar pankh hote toh ud jati.

Ab Main woh kedi toh hun nahi
Jo zanjeeron aur haathkadiyon mein band hokar

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Thoughts: Jhalak Dikhla Jaa S7, GPN-2

Okay, so I’ll start with what I missed in the yesterday’s post. The hosts of the show, Ranveer Shorey and Drashti Dhami. Okay, Drashti is like cute and all, although she cheeses me off with her for bahu act, but otherwise she is quite pleasant to look at, or whatever. But Ranveer, you are a disappointment bro. I mean, script ratt kar aaya hai kya? Just ekdum pheeka pheeka directly straight-away bol deta hai. Apni bezzti mat kar bhai, yaa toh host karna seekh le, ya fir ja, literally, I can’t believe I am saying it, but seriously, tujhse acha toh Manish Paul hi tha. Buck up dude, Konkana kya sochegi?

Moving on, the day started with the so called, much awaited performance of Madhuri Dixit Nene. Now, should I even state the obvious? MD, you and I, we need to talk. Babe, once upon a time you were hot and all that, but that’s in the past now. Look, it breaks my heart each time when I see your disappointingly performances. Because what I expect from you is that wow factor. Which was there till Devdas, and after that there was just a series of disappointments and heart failure. It’s good you attempted Paso-doble or whatever the thing is called; so you are trying to reinvent yourself, which is sweet and all that, but can you please just try a bit harder. And what’s with trying to look all that sexy and hot? You look fat, okay? And these clothes that you wear, they are just not meant for you. I love you, and that is why I want you to try harder for me. I know the MD I fell in love with is still there somewhere. Stop being what the industry might be forcing you to be and express yourself fearlessly and unabashedly. All this looks just so fake and plastic dude. Please, if you are reading it, or any of your PR agent is, then please, take it is a cue to stop doing what you are doing, introspect, and then reinvent yourself.

Anyway, never mind, because the performance that followed totally made up for all the heartache of MD’s dance. Shakti Mohan, my darling cutiepie sweetheart, you are and apple of my eye! I have been dying to watch your performance and those 5 minutes totally made up for everything. God! You give me hope, dear one. You inspire me to get up and dance. I love you for being you. Keep dancing love, I need to watch you dance ever so often. Regards, Teri Deewani. <3

Shakti Mohan in Jhalak Dikhla Jaa

Okay, further on, I am really curious to know what Sonakshi was thinking when she chose to wear whatever she wore. And Akshay literally ab budha lagne lag gaya hai, especially when he was flirting with beautiful Puja. I mean, it’s cute. Can we have these actors playing some might roles of their own age? Anyway, that’s really none of my interest. These celebrities were boring (for me), so let’s proceed.

Akshat and Vaishnavi, two of chotu packs – okay, MD has used that phrase so much that it’s almost a cliché now,  but guys, everyone, you have got to watch Akshat and Vaishnavi perform man! And to Akshay dancing with Akshat, I have got only one thing to say – Akshay, rehne do  tumse nahi hoga! Rehne do. Akshat khaa gaya tumko, bina dakaar maare. Aap chalo aago badho. Namaste.

And then, quite abruptly, the show thought of treating us with some sad story, soapy monologue and dirty visuals of some Indian ocean or sea, with Sreesanth going on about his life. Bdw, Sreesanth, sweeto, good ya. Nice performance. I hope some people do vote for the poor chap. Mera toh Purab, Ashish, aur Shakti ke baad toh balance bilkul nahi bachega. Okay but wait a second!

KJo, kuttiya that you are again, aankhien kese khul gayi na tumhari jab suna ki Sreesanth possessive hai. Hadd hai, mera banda khaa ke chain nahi mila tujhe? Ab Sreesanth bhi chaiye? Betha rahe, jo kaam karne aaya hai, bass wahi kar. Mere bando me doore na daal.

 

And talking about my banda, awww…Purab!!! Kya romance karta hai, dance toh kuch tha nahi, bass tum deewar se latak rahe the. It was difficult and all that, I know, next time baby, strip a little, show some of your tanned and toned body, and make me proud. Also, do more of romantic numbers baba, you look super cute and I blush each time looking at you. Good boy, keep it up. :* And guys, you have just got to see this Purab Kohli’s wild stone commercial, in order to really get this man’s intensity! Here’s a preview:

Purab Kohli in Wildstone Commercial
My Chocolate Pubuu

 

Ahem! Vote4Andy, Vote4Andy!!! Yay, here comes the elfin fairy, my seeto Andy! That car wash jig was completely hilarious, sure, but other than that, you need to buck up biatch! Show some fire in your dance, go all lesboish with your choreographer and set the stage on fire lass! I know you have got it in you. Shine now! :*

Kritika, did I just see your Va-gi-jay and your arse? Really? Okay, never mind the disturbing costumes, it was quite frankly a boring act, made good only by the visuals. Try hard next time. :)

 

Finally, the sizzling sirens came back on stage. Salman and Lauren, wow guys! I so wish I could have the body of Salman and the killer booty and dance moves of Lauren. It’s so heart-warming arousing looking at the two of you dance. Keep it up my bitches. :*

 

And so the show ended. It was pretty okay, but for Shakti’s performance, totally worth it! :D   And since I have got boring work to go to tomorrow, I’d just end the post like that. Yeah, abruptly. So good night now! And for the sake of my own existence, I’ll try churning out some meaningful (and might I say, witty as my first blog post) content again. Until then, tadas! xOxOxO!

Thoughts: Jhalak Dikhla Jaa, S7, Grand Premiere Night

Okay, so the season 7 of Jhalak just started, and obviously, I am sucker for anything dance, celebs and creativity, it’s but natural that I am going to follow the dance show. And now that I have been watching the show, why not discuss it further. And since I get the maximum traffic to my blog from America, I’d like to tell you all, my fellow Americans, that this post is going to include a lot of vernacular Hindi as well, so if you don’t understand something, than just message me. If I go on translating the stuff, the meaning would be lost in translation.

Okay, now, without much ado, let’s begin with the show.

Palak was the first contestant to come, and quite disappointingly they gave her a female choreographer. Now, we all know the anatomy of Palak, no big deals about that. But since we are referring to her as Palak (and not Tipoo) and have whole-heartily accepted her as a female, might as well deal with her the same way, no? But no, that’s like too queer for us, right? Yeah sure!

And KJo darling, since you are giving the truth treatment to everyone, especially to my Palak. Let’s face it, your “talk to my hand” was queerer than some of the most queer guys that I have been with. Come out already darling, you’d only do yourself a favor. For the rest of us, it’s no surprise.

And while KJo was irritating me, entered my new lover-boy who I am doing to pamper and puppy-fight and cuddle in with. Varun, baby, ass toh dikhao na. Ese thodi na itne saare kapde daal kea a jaate hain. Gandi baat. Next time, sahi se, okay? Like this:

Varun Dhawan Showing Off his Buttcrack in Student of the Year
Varun Assilicious Dhawan

 

And Alia…aww you cutie, I love you. :*

Fine fine, settle down now. Major Saab aa rahe hain.

Ashish Sharma in Jhalak Dikhlaja
Ashish “Rudra” Sharma

Ashish, oh my beautiful gorgeous light-brown-eyed man, please be my hackneyed patriarchal protector boyfriend. He is just so cute and humble and sweet, and I have to control my urge to go lick the TV Screen each time he’s there. Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll be voting for you. Agar Purab ko vote karne ke baad balance bacha toh, varna online jaa ke kar dunga… :)

And KJo, kuttiya, mere Ashish ki body mat dekh…body badi ease se dance karti hai…shut up…ganda… Huhh

 

And dosto, kya hum kabhi hetero-normative duniya se baahar niklenge? So Sophie is just for “men and men and boys and boys”? Okay, quite frankly, I don’t want to be put in either extremes of male-female axis and secondly, there are a lot of females who must be lusting over Sophie, especially after that rocking performance of hers. Sophie dear, you cute little sexy hot bombshell tease, you don’t need a little black dress to look hot…you makes any dress look hot!!! And God! How can I tell you how thrilled I am to watch your performances? Stay, okay?! And rock the show!  I see you as one of the finalists. :*

 

Sukhwinder ji, yeah, you are cute and all, but did someone slip the information to you that you have got to dance on the stage and not sing this time? No? Aw! Nevermind, do it the other time, if you get to stay that is.  Acha, no, not making you cry here. Keep smiling sweetheart. And do the best you can. Good luck. :)

And what? That Anandi ka pati made a special appearance on the show? Matlab KJo, kuch bhi haan? Film ka promotion zoro-shoro se? Chalo koi na, when you serve the sexy gorgeous males draped in skimpy short clothes, I don’t really mind.

 

Before I proceed, wait, let me get some wet tissues here. No, the mercury isn’t rising….not any further at least, but Mouni is here, and the dozens of powder and white paint that she put on her face, is gonna need some wet-tissue-treatment. Face esa lagta hai, jese cut paste kara ho kisi dusky lass ki body pe. And Punit, cutie, seriously? Jahaan aap ho wahaan jeet hai? The last time I checked, you lost, and a season previous to that, and also in the one previous to that, and so on and so forth, right? Kam bola karo na… By the way, the performance…nice! :) Although I am not really going to vote for you Mouni, because quite frankly, I find you irritating, but good luck. :)

P.s. We know it was your first performance, no need to state the obvious while urging for us to vote for you. Don’t think others are just as dumb.

 

Okay everyone, just shut up now, because here’s coming the man who has got Varun’s ass and naughtiness, and Sidharth’s charming face. Ladies and gentleman, please shut your eyes and let only me eye at this absa-fucking-lutely awesome candy called Karan Tacker!

Karan Tacker Dancing in Towel
Karan Tacker

Theek hai, hero ke according he dances pretty well, and baaki seekh jayega baby. He should just appears and speedos sometime soon and that’s it. All the voting will be taken care of.

Puja and Rajat, welcome to Jhalak. Puja, you are beautiful, but I don’t know what you do. Some website says you worked with Govinda and was like, Parvati or something? Okay, good for you girl. But, you guys did gross injustice to my favorite song, Zehnaseeb. Puja, it was a disappointing act, and you can’t cut it alone based on your looks. Also. Rajat, nice body dude. Keep showing…err…rocking I mean!

And… Varun… sandals churaaye Alia ke? Kabhi main bhi tumhari cha ddi chura ke bhaagoonga… :D And as far as your performance is concerned, you guys do know how to rock it. Alia got the spark man, she really does! Tu aur main, hum dono paida hi hot hue the.

Varun Alia Saturday Song
Saturday-Saturday Varun and Alia

 

And on that note, since I have got nothing better to say, I’ll just go to sleep. Oh God, itni garmi…sex karne ka bhi mann nahi kar raha hai by god! :(

P.s. waiting…rather dying to watch Shakti dance!!! Haaye!!!

Chandigarh Pride 2013 Snippet 8

The last snippet in the series of Chandigarh Pride 2013 is in succession of:

1. Foreword.

2. It Better Be Worth It.

3. Would You Take A Stranger Home? 

4. The Fleeting Glimpse of sweet sweet Pride.

5. Face, Friends and Souvenirs.

6. Someone’s Watching Over Me

7. I. Miss. Her.

8. Nothing but Bittersweet Experiences.

 

~Dear Life, Bring it On!~

 

One thing that pride did to me was that it gave me the confidence to be myself. I want to educate my mother about homosexuality. Regardless of what I decide to do with my life, I would want my family to accept and respect LGBT community – as allies, as equals.

 

Also, I am a little bit more inclined towards coming out. Perhaps already did, with walking the pride without any veils or masks. Will my mother accept me when I tell her even I am suffering from the same “disease”? Will I be able to walk out on her if she doesn’t? I have realized just how much I love her. Why do I have to make this choice? Why can’t I have both? The life that I choose to lead and the people I love. Why do they have to be mutually exclusive?

 

I have tried and failed incredulously, trying to find a family outside of where I was born. I am a strict supporter of blood relations – or so I believe these days. Friendships being an exception, I don’t really believe that any other bond exists. What my mother or brothers would do for me, no one else would…ever! But will they still be there once they know what I am, underneath my skin? Why do I have to be the one to cause them pain? Why do I have to be the one to disappoint them? Why do people get disappointed when they find out their family members aren’t straight? Is sexual orientation that much a powerful tool?

 

I don’t know what will happen in the next 3 years. All I know is amidst the chaos and conundrums revolving around the lives of bisexuals, I have had the rare moments of love, peace, and tranquility and I owe it all to the brave self of mine, who put me across Chandigarh pride. The pride of the LGBT community is bigger than me, bigger than the love, the hate, the daily quarrels. I am glad I assembled myself, remained focused and worked for something which was so much bigger than me.

 

So, a journey ends, leaving me enriched with memories, experiences, and quite a few friendships to look forward to.

 

I await another journey.

 

Dear Life, bring it on!

Signing off,

Yours,

Alive and Kicking, Anuj.

Chandigarh Pride 2013 Snippet 7

The seventh snippet will make much more sense to you, if you have followed the previous ones in the series; here is a quick look: 

1. Foreword.

2. It Better Be Worth It.

3. Would You Take A Stranger Home? 

4. The Fleeting Glimpse of sweet sweet Pride.

5. Face, Friends and Souvenirs.

6. Someone’s Watching Over Me

7. I. Miss. Her.

 

~Nothing but bittersweet experiences ~

 

I haven’t seen a woman as beautiful as her in a long long while. Her eyes tell me that she has been crying a lot. Her stance informs me she has been hurt and abandoned. I want to comfort her, perhaps give her a good bear hug, let her cry all that she wants in my embrace, but as a stranger there is only as much liberty that I can take.

 

So I sit and listen instead. It seems like she can do with a patient ear. She shares her story. I feel a jolt of hatred for the man who abused her feelings. Are you proud of yourselves, dear so called pure straight guys? How do you match an eye with yourself after hurting the sentiments of a trusting beautiful woman? She speaks about love and fidelity. She wanted her man to stand up for her, be brave for her, and protect her from the harms. Of course, he was not a man enough. She cannot figure out why he said whatever he said and yet did what he did. She speaks in immaculate English, seemingly is quite well versed…quite a smart girl, but alas! She fell in love.

 

My inner self smirks at me. In the recent past, not so much a while ago, I thought I loved someone. I thought I had a companion. I thought there was a man in the making who would stand up for me, be with me, and be my companion, my lover, my best friend. Of course, my eyes searched for him before, during and after the pride. I had to force myself to not to respond to phantom rings when I thought he perhaps would call once the pride was over. He did not.

 

Of course, my blunder, error-some dating experience is nothing compared to her sorrow of being abandoned out of the blues. Besides, I am much better at handling all this than she is at this moment; lot of experience you know! Life has time and again made me practice being deserted. I might just run a workshop on that…perhaps that would help us get good funds for Jub We Talk.

 

I tell her his guy isn’t a man enough. That he only stayed with her out of guilt and not out of love. Now that there is a little distance between the two of them, he is finally rationalizing his feelings and hence, has finally decided for him. She agrees. I want to add that he is not a bad person, just not the right one for her, but I know from her countenance that she will need a bit more time to get to this point, and hence I remain quiet.

 

As humans, we tend to get carried way. Love or the very thought of it, has the way of making us feel an exaggerated version of reality. But when the augmented sense of reality clears the way for the actual, backstabbing, cryptic and unnerving reality, it does not mean that anybody lied, or that anyone is a fake or a cheater. It just means that they are good people, who wanted to fall in love there in that moment, but later realized that they just got carried away. People change. It’s up to you whether you want to still love them or not. And a certain heart ache which a few of these people cause us… well we need that, in order to grow.

~Dear Whatever,

Thank you, for the experiences. ~

 

I have nothing against the guy I was seeing, for not turning up, for not being by my side. I know I will be good and cordial with him whenever I see him, but will I love him now? No! I know we don’t deserve to be made to feel this way at the hands of each other. He won’t be able to miss the accusing looks in my eyes, holding him guilty for deserting me, and that would just be unfair, to him. He never promised anything…he dint feel the love enough for me to actually show up, and that’s okay, really!

 

If this pride had taught me anything, its just a simple fact…this life is something bigger than just falling in love. There has to be a bigger purpose to life than that…at least to my life…I don’t know what it is, but I will know it when it will happen to me. The same way I got to know what peace and pride was in this journey of mine, I’ll discover my purpose as well.

Someday I will fall in love; someday the love would not disappoint, but until that happens, let’s achieve a dream or two, right?

 

However, it is the condition like that of this woman which worries me. 31 and deserted by the so called lover? Will I be able to take it if it happened to me? Will I be able to face myself if the guy I left my family for, would walk out on me later in life? Well…talk about insecurities and fears!!!

 

I do not have the answer to these questions, but I know I feel good when I work for a goal that’s bigger than me. And here, during the Chandigarh Pride Walk, when I caught the fleeting glimpse of pride, peace, love, joy and tranquility, I think I will get by, even if love continues to leave me cold, empty and bereft. Only if I remain brave enough to follow the voice of my heart, I will get by. There comes a point in our lives when pain or pleasures, love or hate, hurt or comforts cease to matter that much. A point when nothing matters and all these experiences remain exactly that – experiences! Bittersweet, nostalgic, enriching and expanding experiences.

 

I feel a change in my perspective. I understand at a deeper level the reason behind my be-ing, my existence. I feel a sense of self confidence, self love and honor, and yes, life is beautiful!

writings of Delhi queer | about men, music, movies, money issues and other mindless rumblings

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