The seventh snippet will make much more sense to you, if you have followed the previous ones in the series; here is a quick look:
2. It Better Be Worth It.
3. Would You Take A Stranger Home?
4. The Fleeting Glimpse of sweet sweet Pride.
5. Face, Friends and Souvenirs.
6. Someone’s Watching Over Me.
7. I. Miss. Her.
~Nothing but bittersweet experiences ~
I haven’t seen a woman as beautiful as her in a long long while. Her eyes tell me that she has been crying a lot. Her stance informs me she has been hurt and abandoned. I want to comfort her, perhaps give her a good bear hug, let her cry all that she wants in my embrace, but as a stranger there is only as much liberty that I can take.
So I sit and listen instead. It seems like she can do with a patient ear. She shares her story. I feel a jolt of hatred for the man who abused her feelings. Are you proud of yourselves, dear so called pure straight guys? How do you match an eye with yourself after hurting the sentiments of a trusting beautiful woman? She speaks about love and fidelity. She wanted her man to stand up for her, be brave for her, and protect her from the harms. Of course, he was not a man enough. She cannot figure out why he said whatever he said and yet did what he did. She speaks in immaculate English, seemingly is quite well versed…quite a smart girl, but alas! She fell in love.
My inner self smirks at me. In the recent past, not so much a while ago, I thought I loved someone. I thought I had a companion. I thought there was a man in the making who would stand up for me, be with me, and be my companion, my lover, my best friend. Of course, my eyes searched for him before, during and after the pride. I had to force myself to not to respond to phantom rings when I thought he perhaps would call once the pride was over. He did not.
Of course, my blunder, error-some dating experience is nothing compared to her sorrow of being abandoned out of the blues. Besides, I am much better at handling all this than she is at this moment; lot of experience you know! Life has time and again made me practice being deserted. I might just run a workshop on that…perhaps that would help us get good funds for Jub We Talk.
I tell her his guy isn’t a man enough. That he only stayed with her out of guilt and not out of love. Now that there is a little distance between the two of them, he is finally rationalizing his feelings and hence, has finally decided for him. She agrees. I want to add that he is not a bad person, just not the right one for her, but I know from her countenance that she will need a bit more time to get to this point, and hence I remain quiet.
As humans, we tend to get carried way. Love or the very thought of it, has the way of making us feel an exaggerated version of reality. But when the augmented sense of reality clears the way for the actual, backstabbing, cryptic and unnerving reality, it does not mean that anybody lied, or that anyone is a fake or a cheater. It just means that they are good people, who wanted to fall in love there in that moment, but later realized that they just got carried away. People change. It’s up to you whether you want to still love them or not. And a certain heart ache which a few of these people cause us… well we need that, in order to grow.
Thank you, for the experiences. ~
I have nothing against the guy I was seeing, for not turning up, for not being by my side. I know I will be good and cordial with him whenever I see him, but will I love him now? No! I know we don’t deserve to be made to feel this way at the hands of each other. He won’t be able to miss the accusing looks in my eyes, holding him guilty for deserting me, and that would just be unfair, to him. He never promised anything…he dint feel the love enough for me to actually show up, and that’s okay, really!
If this pride had taught me anything, its just a simple fact…this life is something bigger than just falling in love. There has to be a bigger purpose to life than that…at least to my life…I don’t know what it is, but I will know it when it will happen to me. The same way I got to know what peace and pride was in this journey of mine, I’ll discover my purpose as well.
Someday I will fall in love; someday the love would not disappoint, but until that happens, let’s achieve a dream or two, right?
However, it is the condition like that of this woman which worries me. 31 and deserted by the so called lover? Will I be able to take it if it happened to me? Will I be able to face myself if the guy I left my family for, would walk out on me later in life? Well…talk about insecurities and fears!!!
I do not have the answer to these questions, but I know I feel good when I work for a goal that’s bigger than me. And here, during the Chandigarh Pride Walk, when I caught the fleeting glimpse of pride, peace, love, joy and tranquility, I think I will get by, even if love continues to leave me cold, empty and bereft. Only if I remain brave enough to follow the voice of my heart, I will get by. There comes a point in our lives when pain or pleasures, love or hate, hurt or comforts cease to matter that much. A point when nothing matters and all these experiences remain exactly that – experiences! Bittersweet, nostalgic, enriching and expanding experiences.
I feel a change in my perspective. I understand at a deeper level the reason behind my be-ing, my existence. I feel a sense of self confidence, self love and honor, and yes, life is beautiful!